Remembering Jenna Cyr Jurgens who lost her life to Leukemia!

2011-12-24T03:20:00.000-08:00

2011-12-20T23:16:00.001-08:00

Another Christmas is here...... another time to reflect on Christmases of the past and smiling at happy memories........... I often find my mind going back to a childhood in Vermont..... a very busy house full of chatter, music, pies baking.........the wood burning stove- the door opening and closing every five minutes with someone coming and going......... and the anticipation of what would be under the tree the next morning. It can't be Christmas without me thinking of you Jenna..... and while our family is spread out and we haven't all been able to have that "big" Christmas of childhood since we all grew up and spread our wings.......... we were always able to pick up the phone on Christmas. And another year is passing that I can't pick up the phone and call and share Christmas with you. But I can post on this blog- and relive special memories in my heart and connect with others missing you right now.

Merry Christmas Jenna!

Pittsburgh Light the Night Walk 2011

2011-10-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

This year I did the Pittsburgh Light the Night walk ........... while friends and family in TN and family and friends in VT were able to walk together right after Jenna passed away - I didn't have anyone to walk with here - and so 4 years later I finally was asked by one of my customers to do the walk with them. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew that I wanted to make a sign for Jenna and also include others I know touched by Lymphoma or Leukemia........ the walk was very interesting. SO MANY "Survivor" t-shirts on adults, children, teenagers..... so many "In Memory of" yellow balloons and a "Memorial Ceremony" where people could hold a blue balloon and write a note to the loved one who had died to release all at the same time into the sky. That part was especially emotional for me because as I watched the balloons rising into the sky it looked like a bunch of souls rising up and then all the balloons clustered together and floated off in one big massive cluster. Around me people quietly sobbed as they let go of their balloon ..... of their loved one yet one more time. I found the ceremonies emotional and filled with mixed emotions. One thing that surprised me about the event was that as they showed children/teenagers who were either battling the disease or who had lost their lives.......I found myself grieving all those years when Jenna was a teenager.......... bald, wearing scarfs, having chemotherapy and being violently sick to the point of collapse........... remembering my conflicted emotions as a 15 year old girl and how to cope with a sister so sick........ grieving her childhood non-Hodgkins Lymphoma as well as her final battle and death from Leukemia.......... the impact of hearing others stories so much like my own.

I also found myself extremely HAPPY for those whose lives have been saved. Saved because of fundraisers like Light the Night that pay for education - drugs that may be in clinical trials but not covered by insurance that a very sick person could get access to because of those funds..... and seeing that there is always hope and love and kindness and that we're never alone when it comes to cancer. Cancer touches people of all ages, races, social status and gender. And as I walked with my little sign and I had SO many people say how much they loved the sign. The hands represent those TOUCHED by cancer............... the orange color is blood cancer awareness......... and the rest of love. I will always walk with a little hole in my soul that Jenna filled - but I know that in connecting with others and helping others comes healing. Thank you to all that supported me with donations and I look forward to making a bigger impact next year now that I know what this is really all about!

Visiting

2011-08-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am here in Nashville for work and wish I had the time and opportunity to stop by and visit you while here. It's not often that I make it to Nashville and feel that when I do, I should make the effort to visit your grave. Driving into town last night, a feeling of saddness came over me because I couldn't pick up the phone to call you to tell you I was in town and that I knew I wasn't going to get the chance to 'see' you during this trip. Here I am sitting in my hotel room working and preparing for my meeting, wishing I was heading over to your grave instead. I promise to stop by the next time I am in town for work.

I hope you know how much I miss you and although I can't stop by your grave to visit and talk today, know that you are thought of everyday. Missing you like crazy today. Just wanted you to know...... :(

Jenna would be 39 years old today- she would also continue to be PROUD of her family!

2011-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

My Sisters Keeper | Only Time

2011-06-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

If I had only known - MISS YOU JENNA!

2011-06-03T05:14:00.001-07:00

June has Arrived

2011-06-01T09:50:00.001-07:00

Althought I still think of you pretty much on a daily basis; I still find myself dreading this time of year - June....... your birthday, your last few weeks, your passing...and realizing that another year has passed. It's so hard to believe that we lost you 4 years ago. I still miss you like crazy and will do my very best not to dwell on what we have lost, but to remember the years we had as friends. We did share lots of birthdays together and a lot of them were fun times; especially when we would go out and party to celebrate being another year older!!! We definitely had some great times celebrating our birthdays together; whether it was at our apartments or barhopping along the many places on Church St. Then hitting Nectars afterwards for some Gravy Fries or going to see Theresa at Mr. Mikes and trying to snag some free pizza! HA, LOL.... Thanks for the many laughs and memories.

I will plan to light a candle on June 12th and June 27th in honor and in remembrance of you. RIP Jenna. Love ya and Miss you

June is almost here

2011-05-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

It's almost June............almost that time of year again when we think back to the last few weeks that we had Jenna with us....... and drawing our hearts and minds to honoring her memory.

I have a trip planned to meet Dawn and the kids in Ohio. We are going to a water park and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN. I am extremely excited for Addison and Tyler to se their cousins and for the kids to feel that connection to our side of the family as they haven't seen us in a long time and so much has happened in their lives since I last saw them!

I thought for June it might be nice to post some neat little things on here to honor Jenna. Feel free to send me the thought or post it under comments!

May 2011 - School Pictures

2011-05-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

I opened up the mail yesterday to find a wonderful card from Dawn and the kids and some pictures! I cannot believe how big the kids have gotten in the past few years. They have sprouted up! I'm taking Addison and Tyler to meet them in a few weeks at a water park. We are all so excited to reconnect.

Enjoy the pictures of the sweethearts. Jenna would be SO PROUD OF YOU ALL!

2011-03-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

An old friend of Jenna's sent me an email through Facebook the other day asking me how she can get in touch with Jenna......

I saw heartbreaking to have to break the news that she passed away a few years ago. I can only imagine getting excited to find an old friend from high school and then hearing the news.

You're still thought of and missed every day Jenna.

2011-02-27T15:10:00.000-08:00

Here are a few old pictures I came upon recently...... the two are from when Jenna had cancer as a teenager and attended Camp Ta-Kumta and she got to meet a few characters from "Newhart"......

I was thinking if people have old pictures of Jenna- take a picture of them and then email them to me and I can add them to the blog. Maybe a story of how you got the photo or what was going on? I think the kids would enjoy reading about it and I know I would.

Jake turned 5

2011-02-23T13:20:00.001-08:00

Jake had a birthday last week and turned 5. I'll see if I can get some pictures to post for everyone. Unfortunately I don't really have much communication with Mark but maybe Dawn will have some pictures! A Grandma usually does :)

Jack Johnson and G.Love - Rainbow

2011-02-17T05:03:00.000-08:00

Chandra sent me an email about this song. It reminds her of Jenna............. I wanted to post it here. Such a happy song.

I miss you little sis............... always will.

2011-01-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

I miss you Jenna, especially at Christmas! I remember the excitement you always shared with me and it helps me to enjoy Christmas too. There are so many thing to remind me of you! I think of you and Will and my other unborn child a lot. I know you will all be there to great me when I cross over and that takes any all fear.

Thinking of you at Christmas!

2010-12-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am posting this because we are all thinking of and missing you this Christmas.

Jenna on left with childhood friend......

2010-11-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

You know what SUCKS about losing your sister to cancer? Being stuck with only old photos and memories to look at. I have said it SO MANY TIMES but I feel like there aren't enough pictures to look at and memories to relive.

This is a picture that just seems to radiate happiness. This was not that long after Jenna beat her cancer from childhood and went on to graduate high school and head off to college. She had a zest for life and even at this point was taking care of children day in and out and loving it.

One thing I admire about Jenna was that from her smallest moment in life she was drawn to children. She had a way of connecting with them and a nurturing quality about her. She KNEW from very young that she wanted to be a mother and raise her children. She was told after her chemotherapy as a teen that she may not be able to have children. But God knew she was meant to have them and blessed her with quite a few.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the years Jenna was given. The years of falling in love with Mark - of the excitement of finding out she was pregnant and giving birth. I'm thankful for the years she had to finish up high school and go on to college and get a teaching degree.............and to have years of life where she was healthy and vibrant and full of life. I admire her endurance and her ability to find hope and remain positive as she was handed the cancer card one final time.... and instead of giving up and losing all hope she forged on DETERMINED to get every last ounce of life out of her life.

I'll never stop hurting over the fact that she is gone. I'll never stop mourning the loss of a daily connection to her children but I will always be thankful that all the lives she touched are people who I know I could pick up the phone and call on any given day and find a memory to relive together that would make us smile.

Jenna touched so many lives and I hope through this blog we continue to stay in touch and that SOME DAY we'll be able to provide a connection to Jenna for her children to come here and read and see that while their mom is gone her spirit is still very much alive in all of us that remain behind.

Wishes

2010-11-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking A LOT about Jenna this past week. As we all know, this is Jenna's FAVORITE time of year. She would be making plans to head up to MI to spend Thanksgiving with her Mom; she would probably already be playing Christmas music and having some Christmas scented candles lit around the house. She would be on the hunt for the next pair of Christmas PJs for the kids!!!! I loved talking to her about Christmas as we would both be excited in all the preparations. It was all for the kids and she was determined to make each Christmas the best for them.

This is also a time of giving thanks and making wishes. I give thanks for the friendship I had with Jenna and the life we shared growing up. I also wish we had more time...... time of 3 years that have already been gone since Jenna left this world...... time that we wish would stand still for just one more minute, hour, or day to say the things we wish we had said. Wishing to hear her voice and laughter on the other end of the phone...... I really miss Jenna this time of year the most. I wish Ashlee, Kaitlyn, and Jacob had the chance to have more time with her and really know how wonderful their mother was/is.

She is never far from my thoughts and as I sit at my desk, I often look over at the picture I have of her (the one of her in the black dress on the cruise) and I find myself happy and sad. Happy for the memories we had and sad over the life gone too young....

I will be in Nashville in a few weeks for work and hope to visit Jenna's grave and hopefully connect with Mark so I can see the kids. I wish she were still with us today....

2010-11-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

I turned 40 last Friday....... a date that is huge for me. A date that I know Jenna would have had a LOT to say about. Maybe just happy wishes and a few sarcastic comments about but I miss having her input on things in my life. I miss hearing what she would say over something one of my kids are doing. I also wonder OFTEN how life would be for Ashlee, Kaity and Jacob if they had their mom still........... I see them a few times a year in pictures....... which makes them seem to grow in leaps and bounds. The hardest part of Jenna being gone is that I don't have her............ to connect to her children. To 3 little humans that my sister gave birth to - that are my flesh and blood - without Jenna they really don't know much about me and won't until something inside of them drives them to seek me out! Knowing Jenna and knowing me it is in their DNA to do so. Someday!

I miss you Jenna.

Memories......

2010-09-29T11:04:00.001-07:00

Today, Tamra posted on Facebook a 'call out' to everyone to share some of their favorite memories of Middlebury. Reading some of the FB posts from a number of people has certainly filled me with a flood of memories.... especially of Jenna. I have to admit, sadly, that it actually has been a while since I REALLY thought about Jenna. Today it hit me hard (once again) over the realization that she is no longer here with us. Gosh, I miss her so much. Jenna was such a significant part of my childhood - the walks around town, hanging out after school, going up to the town resevoir or my treehouse to drink, driving to Burlington just because, the countless nights and weekends of hanging out at the Quesnel household (thanks Janna for always making us feel welcome and treating us as your own!).

Even while in college up in Burlington we still made the effort and took the time to get together - hanging out at our apartments, weekends downtown at Rasputins, Nectars, Queen City Tavern, Carburs, VT Pub & Brewery (boy, did we drink alot! HA).

There are so many memories that many of us are now holding on to since Jenna passed away.

Although I certainly cherish these memories, I would be lying if I was remiss to say that I will miss the fact that we will no longer be able to create new memories together, as our friendship grew, as our families grow together (although from TN and VA), and just growing up and getting older. It was nice being able to get together when we did have the chance once we all left Vermont.

Thanks Jenna for all the memories, the laughs (there were a lot for sure!), and for your friendship. Thanks Tamra for this brief diversion from the day to sit and remember our life and times in Middlebury.

2010-08-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Last night as I fell asleep I thought about what life would be like right now if Jenna had never gotten sick. I think when someone dies you consistently think about how it would have been if things were different! If Jenna were alive and actually KNEW my children. What would we talk about? I can hear her laughing at many things that have happened with the kids and sometimes hear her voice echoing in my head over something. Mostly I "hear" her on the radio. Songs will come on and speak to my very thoughts.

Yesterday Mom and I were driving and I had been playing some songs earlier in the morning from YOU TUBE to her. Songs that made me think of certain people or things. Well....when we were driving up to the outlet stores.........3 songs came on in a ROW that I had been playing to my mom.......what are the CHANCES of that?

Trip Down Memory Lane

2010-07-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am here in Gatlinburg, TN with my family this weekend and have found myself many times remembering the very moment that Jenna, Mark and the kids met us at this very spot just 5 years ago! Kind of surreal that it was 5 years ago already. We were down here for a family reunion in Johnson City, TN and before we headed back to VA, we met at the Gatlinburg Aquarium. Afterwards, we went over to a local beach area, had a picnic and enjoyed the day. Seems like it was just yesterday. I wish I could call up my friend and have her meet us here again. I am sad that I am not able to do that, but am glad at the same time for this memory and the moment we were able to get the families together even if it was just for the day.

I remember so vividly sitting at the park overlooking the beach and watching our kids play together. It definitely brought back memories for us and enjoyed the fact that our kids were getting to know each other. If only we could have had a few more of these moments....... but I will definitely remember this one for sure. I miss you Jenna.

3 Years

2010-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 years since Jenna died. It's hard to believe that it has been that long - yet it seems like a very short period of time. Today I called and spoke to the kids. I wasn't sure if they even realized it was the Anniversary of their mother's passing and I didn't bring it up. I just enjoyed hearing their happy little voices and knowing that Jenna would be so proud and comforted at how wonderful they are all doing.

I have been trying to think of the best way to honor and remember Jenna. I know she'd be looking for some SONG to play and I guess maybe the only appropriate song for today is the one I picked out at her funeral to play.....

Feel free to cry along with me......

Happy 38th Birthday

2010-06-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Tamra on the left- Jenna on the right with Grandpa Kilbourn.

Jenna with the most important people in her life. Her babies!

"Stand" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

2010-06-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

Jenna posted this song on her personal blog back in 2007. I never had the chance to listen to the words but I'm glad that I have now come back and done so and am sharing this with you. When you are handed cancer as a pre-teen and fight for your life- life takes on a different meaning than it would for any other person growing up. You live in the moment, the day - acutely aware of the fact that on the drop of a dime your whole life could change and everything that you take for granted along with it.

Jenna would have turned 38 years old today. I know that she would have been SO excited just about something as simple as a cake or spending the day with her husband and children.......... when I get stressed out about things in my life- I have to stop and remind myself that I am lucky to be alive. That I'm fortunate that I can still say and do the things in life that I have dreamed of doing. I hope that if you are struggling with something in your life- you will listen to this song and remember that considering all that Jenna faced in her life- that she still found hope and joy and she was determined to be happy! She would want us to do something HAPPY and fun in celebration of her life......... not to mope around sad and miserable of the loss of it

She is around us. Letting us know in little subtle ways that she is hear.

I'm thankful for those little signs all though I will admit I will shed a tear or two today as well.

If I could go back to that old house....... and play touch backs with Jenna just for ONE DAY!

2010-06-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

2010-05-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

Missing My Sister
© Belinda Stotler
One morning I found you in eternal sleep;
I tried to wake you as I began to weep,
But all my pleas you could not hear;
Oh if I could have only kept you near,
Away from the voices of those who went before,
Who beckoned you to come to that distant shore.

I find it so very hard to believe
That you have gone and I must grieve;
I call out your name -- you answer not,
And I look for you in every familiar spot.
Everything seems so strange and surreal,
I ask everyday is it a dream or real?

Where are the soft brown eyes of affection?
Where is the laughter and talk of childhood reflection?
Where is the loving care when I was sick or sad?
Where is the generous soul for which I was glad?
Where is the forgiving and understanding heart?
Where are the bonds that were there from the start?

I miss all the little ways you showed you cared,
For there were so many good moments we shared;
Looking back on my life’s assorted scenes,
I realized you taught me what love truly means;
You were my trusted confidante and best friend,
On whose loving support I could always depend.

I look at your smiling face in all my photos;
Memories flood my mind as I touch the mementos
From the happy times you and I have had,
But now these bring tears and make me sad;
For the time together went by in a wink,
Life was not as long as we’d like to think.

Sometimes memories bring comfort and make me smile,
But there are times when grief takes over for a while;
Friends offer gentle words and prayers to console,
And tell me what has happened to your loving soul;
Can it be true what they say of time healing grief?
Is it enough when they say death has given you relief?

Can we believe what others say of a better place,
Where our beloved ones rest in God’s warm embrace?
I should be happy you’re free of pain and sorrow,
And rejoice that you’ll always have tomorrow.
How can I then be so heartbroken and selfishly cry,
Return to me from that peaceful place where you lie!”

Now I look down at your name on a cold hard stone
That says little of the loving light you have shone;
It tells nothing of the wonderful person you were,
And only serves to remind me of the painful loss I endure;
But I know your kind soul wants no tears or pain,
Instead you’d want warm memories and love to remain.

Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore.

The last month of life

2010-05-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

I looked over at the calendar today to realize that 3 years ago today- Jenna was living out the last month of her life. Some really strange things have been happening for me lately. Mostly music that comes on the radio or things that catch my eye- or her presence in my dreams. Yesterday I could have SWORN she was sitting next to me in my car while I drove. Something just felt that way. I know that seems really creepy or maybe a bunch of baloney to those who don't believe in any after life. But I feel her around me. I sense that she's making it known that she is around me these days.

Anyway - I feel like the time around her last weeks of life should be celebrated. I know that the kids are going to be reading this blog and I would love for our ability to share her life and memories to not have to come to an end. If anyone would like to add something to her honor and memory please email me and I will put together some quotes and stories of things that may have come to you over the past year to share.

Jenna was all about the music..........

2010-05-14T11:22:00.001-07:00

2010-04-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

This past week I flew to Boston for a few days (work related) and I managed to fit in a trip to an old hang out that I used to frequent called "The Warren Tavern". On Wednesday nights they have a live guitarist singing. I was up near the bar talking to someone and went to sit back down on a chair behind me and WHOOPS almost sat on this girls lap. She had snuck in there and sat down. She and her sister were laughing.......and this girl reminded me SO MUCH OF JENNA. Anyway- I asked them if they were twins and they said NO but the one sister (that reminds me of me) said "My sister just keeps me laughing all the time with the things she says and how silly she can be" and it really made me think of the dynamic that Jenna and I had. I told them my "story" and how they really need to treasure what they have etc.

I also have THIS picture hanging up in my house and thought I'd share it....................... the girl in the picture is Theresa. One of my good friends and Jenna's childhood friend.

LIGHT THE NIGHT

2010-04-16T06:07:00.001-07:00

I am attending a meeting next Wednesday, April 20th to learn more about doing this years LIGHT THE NIGHT walk as well as other fund raising events for Lymphoma and Leukemia. Jenna had both of these..............if anyone else would like to share local information for your area to put together a team let me know and I can post it here.

I will be putting up a ticker for donation for my walk to raise money in a few months when I know more details.

Blog Book

2010-04-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!

I am converting pieces of this blog along with Jenna's personal blog to a hard copy book. It will take me several months to get it all put together and published but I wanted to let everyone know. My goal is to have 3 copies made for each of the kids that will be presented to them when they turn 18!

I also have made Jenna's personal blog private and you can email me to request to have access to the blog. You need to email me the email address that you use for blogger!

I thought you might enjoy these oldies

2010-02-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day Jenna!

2010-02-14T07:05:00.001-08:00

Living for the Moment

2010-01-29T12:14:00.001-08:00

A show came on TV last night that we watched - Living for the Moment. It focused on a 38 year old guy who is married and a father of two young boys. He was recently diagnosed with ALS and has been given 2-5 years. The show's premise is about 'living for the moment' whether you are faced with a terminal disease or something significant happened in your life that had a profound impact.

Throughout the show, I couldn't help but not only think about my cousin's husband who recently died from ALS (died within 1 year of diagnosis), but I also thought of Jenna who endured cancer as a child and again in her adulthood only to due from Leukemia, leaving behind a husband and 3 beautiful children. Through it all, she never felt sorry for herself, didn't let cancer get the best of her, and fought as hard as she could to beat it, up until the end, when her body just couldn't give much more. I truly felt that Jenna 'lived for the moment' and this show reminded me just how precious life really is.

God gives us NO guarantees how long we will be on this earth. We should count the blessings of our tomorrows, and be grateful for being granted another day. I have been inspired by Jenna's strength and courage and was reminded that I need to do a better job at making the most out of this life I have been given.

Jenna, almost 3 years have passed since you left us, but I never go one day without thinking of you. You are in my heart and I still miss you terribly. God love you!

2009-10-27T05:16:00.001-07:00

2009-10-18T10:48:00.001-07:00

Lately Addison has a strong curiosity in who is on the blogs I am reading and about her cousins in Tennessee. She told me today that she loves her cousins and wants to go see them. I told her we would try to go down sometime this winter and she can play with them and get to know them better! I realized that she really doesn't have any RELATIVE children in her life close by - I grew up with cousins in the same town but she doesn't have that......... so we are starting to think about a trip to visit the kids. I know that Jenna would really want me to get down there. It has been way too long! I think it's been a good thing though to have photos of Jenna and the kids around because she is growing up knowing "that was Mommy's sister" and that she has 3 cousins and their names and ages etc. Having pictures has really kept the conversations going. I need to get down there and take some of them TOGETHER to hang up!

2009-08-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing occurred to me as I was talking to one of my best friends this past weekend about Jenna's passing. Right after she died I remember feeling as though I couldn't really "go there" to the painful place of how I felt about Jenna being gone. When people would ask me how I felt I could only talk about it on a surface level- and really just about the details but never about how horribly devastated I felt inside - how empty and alone and scared and sad............... because honestly- to even go there just a little bit would be like quicksand into a deep, dark abyss of mourning- a place that would suck me in and keep me there at the bottom of a Well.......... cold and dark and trapped.

So instead I mourned alone. In small little bursts I let it out - sometimes in angry bursts and other times just sobbing to a song for a few minutes- it's like the pain and loss slowly seeping out the cracks, but making its way.

Often I can't believe how much time has gone by................ and while the pain of Jenna's death is much more dull and mentally I've been able to process and accept it - it's amazing how thinking back to that period brings with it so many fresh emotions. I want to say thank you to those who kept reaching out to me even though I seemed "fine" and who reached out to my parents and have really tried VERY hard to stay in contact with us- because it's really nice to be able to talk and share memories with people across the entire spectrum of Jenna's life............... and I'm hoping that it continues. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAITLIN!

2009-07-18T13:17:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Kaity. We are thinking of you today and hope that your day is very special.

LOVE YOU!

2009-07-17T07:57:00.001-07:00

2009-07-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

2009-07-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

2009-07-13T04:55:00.001-07:00

I am going to drag out some of Jenna's OLD pictures and post them on here. I need to talk E.J. into scanning them in.

STAY TUNED.

Dream

2009-07-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

I had the strangest Jenna dream the other night.

In the dream she was still alive.............and we were together talking about something- but then we just "couldn't find her". She was gone........... I think she was visiting me here in Cranberry and Mom was here too.........and I kept calling her cell phone and thinking "she's dead, I just know it" but I couldn't stop looking for her. Then I kept thinking to myself. "Oh No! The kids are going to wonder why she hasn't called them in so long now.............. they must wonder why Mommy just disappeared"......... so I got ahold of Mark somehow and he was looking over this cliff to see if she was down there and he was really worried................... but we couldn't see her anywhere........................ and when my mom got back she and I started crying and hugging because we just knew we'd never see her again. I remember saying "Why didn't I say something to her while I had the chance???" That thought kept running through my head. That I'd had the chance and I let it go.

It was like a life reminder to let people know how much they mean to you OFTEN and not wait.

THANK YOU COUSINS!

2009-07-08T05:34:00.001-07:00

Thank you Aunt Kara, Uncle Mark and Ashlee, Kaity and Jake for the wonderful little fire truck you sent for Addison's birthday. I didn't realize it was for her because it came addressed to me and I let her open it- and well turns out it WAS for her. She was super excited and at first kept hiding it so that Tyler wouldn't touch it. She even SLEPT with it. She's actually VERY into firemen and the trucks and she especially loves the ladder. I thought the kids would enjoy seeing Jax in the background. He doesn't like to miss a photo opportunity!

Gorgeous!

2009-07-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

Jacy sent me some of the most adorable pictures of the kids from her daughters birthday party and I just had to share them. The kids look so amazing and are so beautiful. We love you Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jacob!

2009-06-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Well the 2 year anniversary of Jenna's passing is approaching us. I know that June is much more difficult than it ever was because it was the month Jenna was born, got married and died. What a month!

The other day I heard this song called "God only cries" and it was about how God only cries for the living- because those who have passed on from this life no longer feel pain and sadness. They are in a place of love - surrounded by those that love them that have passed on. The pain is only with those of us still here in this life.

Here are the lyrics if you are interested:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHLcB3xb2ko&feature=PlayList&p=EC9F5F88A5AF8585&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=16

I spoke to the kids

2009-06-15T04:13:00.000-07:00

I spoke to the kids the other day while they were at Dawn's. Jake was such a sweetie trying to talk to me on the phone............ he sounds very excited even if I couldn't decipher everything he was saying. Kaity was telling me she wants some controls for the Wii so the whole family can play (for her birthday) and also she told me that the reason she was sad on Jenna's birthday is because people were talking about it and it made her feel sad. I told her that its OK to feel sad (my God she lost her mother- she should feel sad sometimes about it)- but I told her that I felt sad on that day too but then a new day comes and you feel HAPPY again :) And she laughed and agreed. Ashlee told me that she got a new watch and that it's blue. You can tell time in the dark........she also told me the cake they made Mommy was carrot cake (My favorite). It looked mighty yummy- thats for sure.

I need to look into getting the kids down to see their cousins. Addison would really enjoy that. She's old enough now to really communicate and she talks about the kids a lot because we have pictures of them up and keep talking to her about them!! It's cute when she busts out with something about one of them!

2009-06-13T14:46:00.001-07:00

I thought that I would add that I thought it was very sweet of Dawn to bake a cake and frost it with the kids and to visit the grave. That was a very kind and generous thing to do and had to be heartbreaking to do.

THANK YOU DAWN.

Birthday Cake for Jenna

2009-06-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Dawn sent out some pictures from yesterday. I guess Kaity had a really rough day with it being Jenna's birthday. It looks like they made a really pretty cake and went to visit her grave. I had a really rough day too (lots of tears shed) and wish I had been there to cry with Kaity.

Enjoy the pictures:http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLanding.action?c=35nl1rgw.ahdhinz0&x=0&y=xyxbcr&localeid=en_US

I have no idea why this song made me think of Jenna today.... LOL

2009-06-12T07:35:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Jenna

2009-06-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I would say if you were here today to say them to you! I would love to give you a hard time about getting older - but I can't.

I can only say that 37 years ago today many peoples lives changed. I went from being an only child to having a baby sister - that is a profound moment in a child's life I have come to realize as a parent now myself.

I don't think anyone can possibly appreciate their siblings nearly enough until they are older and have children of their own. I miss being able to celebrate another year of life with you. I miss hearing how excited you would probably be today over even the smallest gesture or Happy Birthday call from people.

I had my morning cry as I drove around listening to a song I'd never heard before by Elton John called ELECTRICITY. For some reason the lyrics hit me.............

I love and miss you little sister. I hope you are celebrating in the after life with the rest of the loved ones we've lost.

Please read this!

2009-06-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

http://sarahfulopfurlano.blogspot.com/2009/06/living-with-cancer.html

The above is a link to a blog of an acquaintance. Someone I met on a mothering blog a few years ago. Our children are the same age. This entry was written by Sarah's best friend- but it really hit home thinking about what Jenna went through with her chemo. Except that Jenna had to be isolated for a good duration and could not be home with her kids! :(

Dream

2009-06-09T03:30:00.000-07:00

I had this dream last night that someone in our family had a huge picture that came to life with Jenna in it. She was probably around 7 years old and she was running around the yard with all of us kids. Our cousins Shelley, Julie and Andi were there at Grandma's house in Bristol, Vermont- everyone was there from the Cyr side of our family. Jenna was so happy and carefree and just having FUN. Friday would have been her birthday! I remember I used to walk through a really nice cemetery close to my house and I'd read all the head stones- and a LOT of people die the same month they were born in. It's really interesting. In any event, my mind and heart are turned towards Jenna these days and I miss her a lot. I think about how I spoke to her every day- many times a day for so many years and now I speak to her but I hear nothing back. MAYBE my dream was her speaking back. HA HA

Yesterday E.J. had cleaned up his office and he had set out a picture of Jenna and Theresa's from my wedding on this candle holder that has a mirror behind it that Jenna had given me. I realized that I have MORE pictures of Jenna and her kids in that room than of any of us LOL- so I said to Jenna. Come on - make this house sell. We had a second showing last night so I'm counting on her to pull some strings with the big guy for us. :)

CAN YOU SHARE A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION YOU SPENT WITH JENNA?

For Uncle Mark

2009-06-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARK!

2009-06-03T03:56:00.001-07:00

Just ramblings...........

2009-05-31T12:43:00.001-07:00

I've been so full of thoughts and emotions this past week. I guess the arrival of June brings with it a lot of thinking for me. Friday night I was out to dinner with my in laws and a group of friends and a song came on that Jenna had called me about when E.J. and I were planning our wedding. When it came on I felt the emotion go through me and I started to tell everyone at the table about Jenna and how she would always be calling me with songs that fit how she felt or how I might be feeling. Many of my childhood memories are of Jenna and I singing songs from the 1970's- and music was a connection. ANYWAY- I can't stop thinking about her now. I have come to the conclusion that her passing and the loss I feel is often brought back to the surface when I'm going through life events. Things I would be sharing with her about the kids- or things going on with me that I would have been turning to her to talk about. Instead I turn to an empty place- a place that I often don't know what to do with my thoughts and feelings. There are SO MANY dynamics that surround Jenna's last year of life on this earth........... that it's not just her being sick and literally fighting day by day for her life that first time she went in for the chemotherapy- and had to be isolated from her own children- her own infant son............ to personal issues that she struggled with while in the hospital and after she went through ALL OF THAT thinking she won- she beat cancer- to discovering she was pregnant- and the hope we all felt, my brother being an almost perfect match for a bone marrow transplant......... and the talks that Jenna and I had............ I find myself going back over all of that and wishing I'd have asked her different kinds of questions and told her different kinds of thoughts than I had. I guess I wanted to be in denial too that she might die........... it was unthinkable. And when you have TIME to sit with someone and know that they have accepted their own fate of death- and are able to say good bye to them- I think it changes things tremendously. And so I struggle lately with her being gone. I'm so sad that she doesn't know all the cute things Addison is doing. She has never even met Tyler........ I am very bummed out that my kids aren't closer to their cousins- their flesh and blood. Distance alone makes that really REALLY hard but at least Jenna used to go up to Vermont or to Michigan and we could plan holidays to get together and see each other- and just TALK. Talk on the phone. I'm not sure where I'm going with any of this. It's just mindless thoughts pouring down to my finger tips as I hit the keys of this keyboard.

I know this time of year that I'm not the only one with a lot of thoughts, feelings and memories. I love going to people's blogs and seeing an entry with an old memory of your time with her. It's just nice to see that people still have sad moments too like me!

THE GOODS

2009-05-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

I hope that Kara won't mind that I took a few pictures she posted and moved them here for those of you who don't follow her blog to see the kids. They are getting so MATURE looking aren't they? I also found a very old picture of Jenna with her hair wet talking on the phone from YEARS ago...................... I think she might have been in college at Champlain around this time?

I also have a video of Addison looking at Kara's blog and trying to remember the kids names. I really hope we can get down and visit them soon. Having our house on the market and being unemployed has put a damper on us going very far as a family!!!

We are thinking of you in TENNESSEE!

Hugs.

2009-05-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I went to visit Mom last week and while I was there I watched a video from 1992 that had a lot of Jenna in it. I cannot believe HOW MUCH Ashlee resembles her................ I mean she is the spitting image of how Jenna looked back then. She was super tall and very, very thin (probably about 120 pounds at 5 ft 9) and her hair was down to her waist and super blonde! She had all the same expressions................... it was really neat to see. I would like to eventually see if I can't get it burned to DVD so we can get more copies and I can save one in the trunk of stuff that I have for the kids. It was really neat seeing that. I mean- seeing ALL OF US that long ago HA HA.

June is a big month. It's Marks birthday- Jenna's birthday and what was their Anniversary - as well as the 2nd Anniversary of Jenna's parting from this life.

2009-05-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I know Jenna would be so excited for. Theresa is having her baby girl. We don't know the name yet because Theresa is waiting to meet her to decide. But I was thinking back to my delivery with Addison and how the entire time I was "pushing" the phone was ringing because Jenna was so excited and wanted to ask me all about what she looked like and how I felt when I saw her etc. I swear no one was more excited about my entire pregnancy and birthing (and breast feeding) than she was.

I know Jenna is with Theresa in spirit today as she goes through this "Rite of Passage" into motherhood. I only wish she could be here for real................... :)

Come here on your sad days

2009-04-21T04:28:00.000-07:00

Come here on your sad days and know that we'll be here. To listen, to comfort and to try to bring you some cheer. I am glad that Mom posted something on here and that we can read it and respond. I feel powerless when it comes to comforting my parents and even friends of Jenna- because there are no words. There is nothing that can really "make it any better" other than knowing that we're not alone in the sadness.

I read something the other day about losing someone to cancer. It was talking about how if they don't see other people who supposedly loved the person who died showing sadness and grief that they will stop showing any of their own sadness over it- and I think the same holds true when a year and a half later I can have a moment out of the blue where the pain is there and I feel raw and sad and angry and I'm not sure what to do with those feelings. I'm not going to start showing emotion to people here that didn't even know her or know ME when she was alive.

It's nice to have the blog to come to it if I want to shoot out a song or a thought and know that there are people out there who also come to read and share in accepting this loss. I hope that more of you will come here on your sad days or even if you have a HAPPY day and write about it.......... I know Jenna would be smiling and feeling thankful for all who continue to miss her.

I hope when I die people will still be thinking of me and missing me and mourning me when I'm gone.

2009-04-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

Jenna, I miss your laughter, I miss your smile, I miss our talks and your understanding. I'm disappointed that I am not able to be involved with the children as much as I know you would want me to. The last few years have taken their toll on me both physically, emotionally, and physically. I did the best I could and I hope someday to be feeling well enough to see your babies again and visit your grave. I know that you aren't there but it is healing to talk to you there. There were so many memories of you in Vermont. It was bittersweet. I don't think I will ever be the same. I love you!!!

Old video I found that was touching which Jenna made........... about 2 years ago

2009-04-09T06:46:00.001-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Random Things

2009-04-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

Some RANDOM facts about Jenna:

She had a size 11 shoe which was challenging to find shoes that fit- and she hated her long E.T toes :)

She was vehemently against cheating and infidelity

She used to get mad if there was even nudity on the television but got past that as she matured :)

Remember the days when she wore RED lipstick and had her hair short and dark.................... and then went to VERY LONG blonde (super blonde) hair............................. all around the age of 18-19 after her hair started growing back in from chemo

She knew when she was a little girl that all she wanted to do was HAVE children and care for children. Which is why she got a degree in Early Childhood Education..........I remember her being about 10 years old telling me that is what she was going to do for the rest of her life.........

The day Ashlee was born she cried SO HARD she couldn't even see through her tears and swollen eyes to see what she looked like............

When she gave birth to Kaitlin she was ON THE PHONE with me and goes "Oh, I have to go- its time to push the baby out" and three pushes later there was Kaity! (thank god for epidurals huh?) ha ha

Jenna was able to be friends with people of all walks of life............. and even if she didn't agree with how you lived your life raised your kids or your way of thinking- she still accepted you

There were some very lonely points in Jenna's life......mostly during the time when she had cancer as a kid. A lot of her friends didn't know how to act around her- but the ones who DID come around became her best friends in the world.........

Jenna got away with WAYYY more than I ever did and I was soo jealous about it.

Who remembers the shiny satin blue comforter on her bed in high school?

Jenna loved to pick on people but not in a MEAN way............... her intent was never cruel but she just found humor in EVERYTHING and even when life knocked her down and she got the crappiest news - she would be looking for the good or a way around the situation.

Before Jenna died she reached out to as many people in her life as she could. I think to find closure..............she didn't KNOW for certain she would die but she knew she might..........................I think she lived those finals days with that in the back of her mind for every thing she did or did not do.

Jenna didn't believe in letting a baby CRY IT OUT!

When she set her mind to do something (lose 20 lbs) the girl did it. I've never seen someone say that they were going to get in shape and lose weight and have such quick success. I remember one year she walked this 5 mile loop every day and dropped 20 lbs in like a month (this was before kids and living in the hot south). She was often bummed out over her weight though ..........

Anyone want to add more? It's a fun list.

Wondering

2009-04-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Not a day goes by where I don't think of Jenna. I have a picture of her on my office desk and find myself at times just looking at it and smiling and realizing how much I still miss her. These are usually the times where I wonder what she would be doing now if she were still with us? Would she be starting or in Nursing school like she wanted, would she still be a SAHM? Would she still be sick? Games your mind plays on you sometimes can be cruel and still questioning the unfairness of it all. All the "What ifs". But, one thing is for certain, we all still miss her. I know that I can 'talk' to her and hope that she'd be listening, but not talking back where I could hear her. For some reason, today is a hard one. I miss my friend.

It's April

2009-04-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

Someone is going to be having a birthday soon!!!! I am excited to hear what Ashlee wants for her birthday.... and once I know I will let you all know some ideas. I know you can never go wrong with a gift card to go shopping (every girl loves that, right)?

Jenna was in my dreams again last night. Clearly she has been on my mind since the trip to Vermont. Being in Vermont brings back all sorts of fresh thoughts - and seeing the pain my parents are still experiencing makes me very sad too. I share in their sadness.....and that of my brothers and sisters............... but having lived so far from any family during my mourning process it feels so damn good to have someone to CRY WITH. Dad and I danced to a song he dedicated to her (and Grandpa Cyr) at his Retirement party........and we cried through the song- but then once it was over we were able to smile and have fun again. I think those moments sharing grief are so important and I regret that I haven't had many opportunities to be sad WITH someone in person. You know.................. just kind of bummed for a moment over the fact Jenna isn't there with us celebrating Dad completing his working life and moving on to the "golfing life" down in Hilton Head.

There have been other thoughts going through my mind as I read blogs and other friends and family who are still keeping Jenna's memory alive. Now why would so many of us want to keep going ON and ON about Jenna? Why would so many of us keep wanting to bring up memories and talk about her? I know that some people wonder that...................... they wonder why we wouldn't just quietly put things to rest and stop going on and on about how WONDERFUL Jenna was.

I ask myself this too. Because people live and die and rarely have I heard of so many people.......from all walks of life who have so many wonderful things to say about Jenna and how she touched their lives. Even a year and a half after her death I am still amazed at the emails I get and the wonderful stories people share etc. I don't even know MANY of these people who reach out and send me a note but it touches my heart and really makes me aware of the fact that for SOME REASON Jenna was able to touch people in a way that not everyone can.

No one is perfect and everyone has their faults. Jenna and I had our share of disagreements and making each other cry over things..........and we led VERY different lives............. yet somehow JENNA reached through all of those difference and reached out to me and brought us closer. I am so thankful she did that................ I was single, living in a city and a city life...........my focus was on career and having a good time.........very little responsibility. Yet Jenna found a way to try to connect to my life and make me feel connected to hers. I think that is so important and why I feel a tremendous amount of respect for her as my sister. She did the reaching out to me when her life was full with kids and plenty of friends and just being on a different page in life. So often people (myself included) become so consumed by our married/kid life that we don't give as much time to those not there yet................... and trust me. It took me into my MID 30's to be there yet............almost 35 to be exact. But Jenna wanted and needed us to be close and SHE made it happen. THANK YOU JENNA. Because I really don't know what I would have done had we not found our closeness again that we shared growing up................ and I feel honored that she shared the feelings, thoughts and trust that she did with me. And she helped put things in PERSPECTIVE. You could be flying off the handle at something or really angry and somehow without insulting you or pissing you off more she made you laugh.......she diffused the situation. I'm not sure HOW she did it- but she did.

Why am I writing all of this out? I'm not sure. I guess because of the recent conversations that I've had and people sharing their thoughts and feelings on Jenna's life and death...............and it was really rough on my mother being in Vermont for a month. It has me thinking about things. Her death has me thinking all the time about my life and my children and how BLESSED I am to be home with them at this time.

I also think about those who attend church and believe in GOD and how if they do then they believe in the after life and know that Jenna is watching and listening and some day- when this life is through she'll be waiting with a smile and a story for us............. all those questions will finally have an answer.

A song Susie wanted posted......

2009-03-02T08:22:00.001-08:00

Sunday Thoughts

2009-02-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

On our way to church every Sunday, we end up listening to church music to help liven our spirits a bit. Yesterday, we listened to Mercy Me "I Can Only Imagine". The words are simply beautiful and as we were singing along to the verses, I imagined the place that Jenna is in right now and I felt such a sense of peace fall over me. I admit, I had some mixed emotions; saddness over missing her, but also joy knowing that she is no longer sick, no longer in pain, but flying high in a beautiful place that we 'can only imagine'. Miss you Jenna!!

2009-02-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

You know I have been thinking about the past few years from when I started this blog. I will never forget the day I wrote my first entry. And I cannot even BEGIN to explain to you all the NUMBER of people who have emailed me with their story of how Jenna touched their lives. I can easily say 20 to 30 people I've NEVER met have sent me an email or a note (outside this blog) expressing what Jenna meant to them. Some reoccurring themes seem to be that Jenna reached out to them and was a support to them in a time or need- or Jenna was someone they could COUNT ON and TURN TO who showed a genuine interest and care about them. It is TRAGIC that someone would lose their life just after turning 35 years old- never getting to kiss the people she loves goodbye or even SAY goodbye. And I have been trying to pull together some way to express to those that never knew Jenna WHY there is such a following of people who want to keep her spirit alive. It's nearly impossible to explain unless you were touched by her friendship and sense of humor and her sweetness.

One thing about Jenna was that she came off very strong and capable. I mean, she fought and beat cancer as a kid and she endured a LOT during that period of time. She felt like she could handle anything.. but at the SAME time she was easily hurt. It didn't take much to really hurt her feelings and make her cry or sad. She hid a lot of that from people but she was the type who you could say something to and it would go deep and you would not even know it. She was quick to forgive and quick to find humor in any situation.

I think I am always amazed by the number of people who felt bonded to Jenna even miles away. And I think that is a rare thing. I do. I mean - to have so many people even NOW sending me emails about how Jenna touched their lives and was there for them and how they miss her.................it makes me feel good about the kind of person she was.

That's not to say we don't all have our negative qualities and have done stupid and foolish things in our lives- WHO HASN'T? But I think what stays with me is that Jenna's love and her caring heart will continue on with so many people. Even people who never met her who so generously supported her with financial donations or gifts that went to Mark after she died- I want to THANK YOU ALL AGAIN and people who follow this blog to this day .... I mean, why do you come here to read it?!!!!

Last night Jenna was here with me again. It's the second time I felt her presence - Jax is the give away. I was thinking about her and nursing Tyler in the family room and looking at the leather chair Jenna had her picture taken in with the 3 kids when she was here for Easter in 2007. Jax walked over to the chair and SAT DOWN staring at the empty chair as if he was waiting for a command and then he laid down facing it. He NEVER does this. It's like that time when he sat and was staring at her photo on the mantle after EJ and I were talking about her. I think it's her little way of letting me know she IS around and watching. I just wish I could talk to her.............

For Fun, Part II

2009-02-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

Okay... here goes:

I met Jenna in 3rd grade (Mrs. Kaplan) and that is where our friendship began. Believe it or not, I do remember 3rd grade pretty well. One particular memory is when Jenna got mad at me because we were at recess playing run-catch-kiss and I was chasing Willow Blish and not her! Throughout the years, Janna had my and Jenna's 3rd grade pictures in the living room sitting on a picture on top of the piano! Apparently, Janna used to call me Bucky because I had pretty big teeth for a small kid. We didn't hang out much during the remaining elementary years and our friendship began again around 5th grade (Mrs. Fisher's class) and really grow again in 9th grade. I distinctly remember seeing Jenna wearing her bandana at school that year because of her cancer. I can still see her in my memory so vividly sitting in the back row of Geography class, quiet and shy. I started to sit in the back with her and we started hanging out ever since.

A time when Jenna was there for me (this one is funny): Jenna was always looking out for me and trying to get me to have sex with either Jen Huestis or Becky (whomever I was dating at the time). She would literally drive us around in her blue car so we could make out in the back!!!! ha ha ha. There are so many things i can remember where we were both there for each other. Just a simple phone call (we used to chat every saturday) and to just talk. She was a good listener, but a good instigator as well.

A time where she got me mad: Oh, this one is a doozy.... She went to her Dr appt, for her 10 year follow up from her 1st cancer, I believe to tell me that her cancer came back. She was doing the whole fake crying bit and everything. I started to cry and she was like 'oh John, I am kidding". I called her a nasty word and hung up. She called back laughing and we then laughed about it.

What Jenna will represent: I know this is for family, but Jenna was like a sister to me. Jenna will represent strength and courage to me; and most of all FRIENDSHIP. There are many of us who never have the luxury of calling a friend, a true childhood friend. People come and go in our lifetime. We were fortunate enough to remain friends all these years and I will hold onto that and hopefully encourage my kids to realize the true value of friendships and hold onto the friends they have now and grow with them over the years.

Pregnant: She never really shared her pregnancy stories with me (obviously because I couldn't relate!), but it was nice sharing parenting stories with her.

There are so many things I miss about Jenna, but am glad to have spent these years with her. She was a great person and a wonderful friend.

2009-01-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you all. Jenna was a loving mother and she loved her babies more than anyone else. She was an excellent mom. Mark is an excellent father. He loves his children and he has put them first in his life too. I am so thankful that Jenna got to stay home with their children as her time here was cut short. The reason she was able to stay at home is because Mark worked two jobs. He was working more than he was home. This was a sacrifice for him and I know that the first thing he did when he got home was to take time to play with the children. Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jake are as much Mark's children as they are Jenna's. I think sometimes we forget this. I know that Jenna was planning on getting some education so she could work at the hospital and Mark wouln't have to work so hard. The only people who know what goes on in a marriage are the ones married to each other. Jenna admitted that she was at fault in some areas of their marriage. No one loves Jenna more than me but you know, we are all human and we spend our lives struggling with all that encompasses. I know for a fact the Jenna died happy and she felt loved by Mark. I also know that her and Mark had converstions about what she wanted to happen if she died. These are between Jenna and Mark as they should be. You know - When it comes to Mark and Kara, it is none of anyones business what they do or don't do. Who would ever want to deprive the children of a mother who loves them or deprive Mark of happiness? I know Jenna wouln't want that! I would like all of you to know that I prayed for someone like Kara. The night before Jenna's funeral we were at the funeral home and I was talking to some of Mark's friends from the Fire Dept; I told them that I was going to start praying for a person with a heart full of love to come into Mark's life, I told them , not right now, but later on because the grandmothers couldn't keep taking turns taking care of the grandchildren forever . I met Kara last June when I was down in Tenn.. I watched her with the children and I can say that she is as loving as Jenna was . They just love her so much and she IS a mother to them. I believe that Jenna would like Kara. Afterall what is not to like. She is a wonderful person. She is definitely an answer to my prayer. She brings healing to Mark and the children. Personally, I hope they get married. Yes, it saddens me that Jenna won't be here to see the children grow but I believe that she is looking down with approval. Mark and Kara will keep Jenna's memory alive. That is the one thing that Jenna worried about, that they wouldn't remember her and the love she had for them. We all know that this won't happen. I have experience such pain and suffering since Jenna died but I believe that the sufferings of this life are to be expected. It is the next life that promises no pain, suffering, sickness or death. I believe that the main lesson we are here on earth to learn is "forgivness" and "unconditional love". After all, isn't that what God does for each and everyone of us?!

Something Fun

2009-01-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

So I was trying to think of something FUN for everyone to do since there has been some "drama" on my blog here HA HA.

OK here is what you need to do -

For Friends:

Write up the FIRST time you met Jenna. How old were you- what was she wearing, what did she say to you and how did you become actual FRIENDS.

For Family AND Friends:

Write up a time when Jenna was there for you in a special way that you will never forget..................

Write up a time when Jenna made you so mad (which usually included her laughing at you)

For Family Only: Write what Jenna will represent to you moving on through the rest of this life.

For Everyone: Something you remember about when Jenna was pregnant or a new mother - some moments she shared with you (before the days of blogs) I especially know her gal pals in TN have LOTS to share since they spent a lot of time with Jenna and the kids.

This is supposed to be FUN people!!! :)

NOT PRIVATE

2009-01-29T10:05:00.001-08:00

O.K. so apparently no one got my message on how to become a reader of this blog so very few people are "readers" so I opened it back up!

I want to make a few RULES here.

I want to make this a place of SUPPORT. If you want to write up memories of Jenna or tell us you are having a sad day and need support - bring it on.

If you want to tell a funny memory that came to you - we welcome it.

What I don't want are comments that would hurt Kara or Dawn on here - implying that they aren't trying to keep Jenna's memory alive or that Jenna is being replaced by Kara etc.

NONE of this is easy for anyone! And I think that while those children were Jenna's life and what she lived for - and that we are all hurting from not having said goodbye to her- and watching life move on - we need to take a step back and think about what we write before we do (myself included) and realize that SOME THINGS you need to just keep to yourself.

I have spoken with Kara at length about this and now with Mark too. They fully understand how many of us are feeling- and that we are mourning and sad and wish Jenna could be here to raise her children.

I know it is difficult for many that Mark met someone so soon and is happy.

But I personally am THANKFUL that Kara is making an effort to read blogs, start a blog etc so that she can get to know who Jenna was- that she can talk to the kids about her- and that she is willing to start relationships with us.

If I see comments that seem insensitive to that I'm going to just remove the comment.

Thanks!

2009-01-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

Hey People.

Well I made this blog private but many people either didn't get an invite because I don't have their email address OR haven't accepted it yet.

So I guess I misunderstood some of what Dawn was trying to say to me in the letter she sent me.

I think that it is important to realize that while this is a place to come and get support and remember Jenna... that we need to keep in mind that it's pretty easy to hurt the feelings of others if we aren't careful how we word things. Blogging, email and the internet are easy to misinterpret.

I believe the kids are being well loved and cared for and that no one is trying to replace Jenna. Sure, I'm hurt and sad that SHE isn't going to continue to raise her babies. Yes, I'm frustrated that life goes on without her for all of us............ but I think that it's impossible for us to know what is really going on daily in TN - I do know that the kids drive by Jenna's grave every single day. They know that is where she is buried. Kara has told me they take out pictures and look at them and talk about them. Kara is really trying to get to know what Jenna was like through all of us so she can chat with the kids too... I mean, she never knew Jenna.

And if we want to love and honor Jenna we need to support the people who are carrying on raising those kids and loving them etc. That is what she would want.

I'm trying to figure out how to keep a blog going that is a place EVERYONE feels safe.

2009-01-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

If Jenna was here with us today she would be forwarding this to all of us. Jenna loved all the women in her life.
'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favours.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time
and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away
than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley
and you have to walk it by yourself,
the women in your life will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on,
praying for you,
pulling for you,
intervening on your behalf,
and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules
and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still. There are more than twenty angels in this world.
Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds. Nine are playing. And one is reading her this at this moment.

Why is this private?

2009-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

You may be wondering why I've set this blog to private?

Well- I feel that this blog is a place I started to show support for Jenna when she had cancer. To try to help raise funds for a bone marrow transplant and with the medical bills she was incurring. Since her sudden death it has become a place for people to share in keeping her spirit alive. I firmly believe that those of us who continue together should have a safe place to post whatever thoughts and feelings we have.

I got a letter today from Dawn telling me that she no longer wanted to contribute to the blog. She feels that it is being implied that they do not take the kids to Jenna's grave nor talk about Jenna etc. Somehow she feels personally targeted by posts on here. She said some other stuff that I found to be upsetting and I've decided that this needs to be a place of support. Sort of a support system for those who MISS Jenna.

Those of us who were actually HONESTLY close to Jenna in our hearts and haven't just moved on do still want to talk about it.

If we want to do that it's our choice.

That is why it is now by invitation only!

This does not mean that I want to sit around and bash anyone in Tennesee. I don't.................. I just want to feel like I'm not going to OFFEND anyone if I express my opinion or feelings on a particular day!

2009-01-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a while since I posted any thoughts about my sister. It's not for a lack of thinking about her EVERY single day. I think my "Jenna time" tends to be when I'm rocking Tyler at night. It used to be rocking Addison right when Jenna died......I used to feel her around me. Her presence..... but now either I'm not paying attention or her spirit is no longer as strong with me.

She has been in my dreams lately- I've had some really wild movie-like dreams that are action filled and full of drama. In my dream I know she was strong and she was trying to express things to me but I cannot remember for the life of me WHAT she wanted me to know.

In any event, it's interesting as a few friends of mine recently have experienced the sudden death of a loved one- to hear some of the things that are helpful/hurtful to them. What always amazes me is when someone tries to CONTROL the way you mourn the loss. As if they can dictate how long, if you should cry, things you should and should not say etc. Having a blog here I think allows people to celebrate Jenna and mourn Jenna and just REMEMBER Jenna.... and I think that is how it is for me. It's not a direct path from "the day she died" to "I'm FINE now" - it's more of a lifelong thing. When I'm 60 years old I'm still going to think of Jenna and miss her. There is no way I can't.................. for those that were not bonded to Jenna it is different.

It's easier to move on from someone you were not bonded with- whom didn't represent the things my sister did to me.

But I am happy that there is a little pack of us who care enough to stick together and keep her memory alive. SOME DAY when I'm a lot older - maybe REALLY OLD and losing my memory (I'm losing it now haha) I'll be sitting in a room with Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jacob as adults themselves and I hope I can tell some really wonderful and funny stories about their mother. I hope I won't forget any of it- I want to be able to give them that gift some day!!!!

Chatted with the kids today

2009-01-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

Today we called down and chatted with Ashlee, Kaity and Jacob! Addison is obsessed with her "cousins" as she calls them and loves to try to call them. She struggles to say Kaity's name but always remembers Ashlee for some reason. She even remembers going to Jake's birthday (or so she says).

They sent us a cute TITANS pj outfit when Tyler was born and I thought I'd post it. I also got Addison saying HI COUSINS in these pictures!

Happy New Year.

2008-12-26T05:44:00.000-08:00

One thing about Jenna was her zest for life and the level of excitement that she would display at Christmas time. She was over the top happy about everything from the Christmas cookies to the decorations- to seeing the joy on the kids faces from the gifts they'd get! I miss sharing that with her this year as I witnessed the excitement Addison had over Christmas. From the "Baby Jesus" to the presents from "Ho Ho"- I felt the excitement of a child once again over Christmas.

I know out there in the world beyond this one Jenna was sharing the excitement with Baby William and smiling down on us all. I hope that everyone had a really wonderful Christmas.

It looks like the Jurgens kids had a very wonderful Christmas.

I wanted to thank Kara for posting pictures and keeping a blog going so we can peek into their lives.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

To Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jacob from Addison

2008-12-26T05:21:00.000-08:00

This video Addison made for her cousins about two months ago!

WE LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH ASHLEE, KAITLIN AND JAKEY!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! WE HOPE YOU LIKED YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THAT WE SENT!

ADDISON AND TYLER and Aunt Tamra & Uncle E.J.

Merry Christmas Jenna

2008-12-25T09:18:00.001-08:00

With this being your favorite holiday, we know you are watching all of us this morning opening our gifts. We certainly wish you were here to spend the holidays with us, but know that you are not far from our thoughts and hearts. As always, you are thought of all year long, but especially more so today. We miss you Jenna. Merry Christmas!

Unwritten

2008-12-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

Anyone else remember when Jenna had this as her ring tone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lFXy5bIiSA

2008-12-12T20:22:00.001-08:00

I wanted to post some pictures I found of Jenna's last Christmas with the kids. Ashlee, Kaity Bear, Jakey (AKA.Tank) I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You are very special children and your MOMMY is so proud of you. This was her favorite time of the year. She loved the music, singing Christmas carols, and she loved to shop. Jenna was a giver and this was one time she could give, give, give.....

You are the luckiest kids in the world to have had such an amazing mom. I know she will be with you Christmas morning smiling down as you open your gifts. Remember she can hear you, so don't forget to talk with her at night. She can't talk back, but she is listening always. I hope the tradition of the Christmas Eve PJ's stays alive. Jenna loved doing this for you.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

2008-12-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas From heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each monent
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
if you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

Poem By John Wm. Mooney Jr.
"Merry Christmas From Heaven"

Ornamnet for the kids was purchased thru this company and it reads,

Merry Christmas From Heaven
I love you all dearly
Now don't shed a tear,
I'm spending my Christmas with Jeasus this year

I will love you always,
Mommy

2008-12-10T11:52:00.001-08:00

I wanted to write a post about the kids! I have been thinking a lot about what wonderful kids Ashlee, Kaitlin and Jacob are. And I think back to the days when they were infants- new babies that Jenna carried and gave birth to. Children whom she loved more than she would ever love herself and whom she put first in her life. Jenna gave these children a foundation of love and security. She spent her every waking moment with them - she nurtured them and created a sense of self esteem and self. She was a role model to all Mother's.

I see a lot of happiness in the kids eyes now with the life they are living. Despite a painful loss buried deep inside them somewhere- they've been able to move on and bond with Kara and as children do- not question things too long but keep on! I only wish it were that easy for us adults. You know?

I would hope at this Holiday time that some time would be taken to remember and honor the wonderful mother Jenna was and to keep her memory alive for these children! I am sad that I cannot be there to do it- but I hope that those of you who are there will take a few minutes to give the kids a hug and tell them Mommy is looking down over them and is proud of them. I think they need to hear that.

OK I'm done rambling.

Missing You This Season

2008-12-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

As the month goes on Jenna is constantly on my mind. The kids are so very lucky to have had her. I know Kara and Mark are making this season special for the kids, it must be very exciting for all of them. A new house, new traditions, new memories. I was thinking about one of the traditions Jenna started with the kids. New PJ's which they opened on Christmas Eve. She was always so excited about this.
As I decorated the tree I placed a very special ornament on the tree and said a prayer for the kids and Mark. I hope they are able to really enjoy this Christmas. I know each year will be a little sad remembering their mom, but I also know each year the pain will lessen. I so hope they can experience pure joy this season. I know Jenna will be shinning down on them while they open their presents.

I also found the ornament I purchased for the kids last Christmas. It arrived to late to mail so I will be mailing this soon. I hope it brings them as much joy as mine brings me.

I miss you so very much and pray you are at peace. I love you with all my heart.

Missing Jenna this Season

2008-12-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's post from Tamra made me realize just how much I miss Jenna this time of year. I have so many fond Christmas memories of her; of our childhood where we would call each other to see what we got, going to Christmas Eve services, racing to see who decorated first, and just talking about what we were each getting the kids for Christmas. Jenna LOVED this time of year and her spirit and enthusiasm over the holidays is greatly missed. I look at the pictures Tamra posted yesterday and I see a woman with such life and so much love and devotion to her kids, only to be ripped away by an untimely, early passing. I hope that the kids will have some memories of Christmas with their Mommy and that some traditions she started will continue to be passed on.

Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior, but to me, it is also about celebrating family, friends, life and love. Let us remember Jenna and her love of this holiday season. I know I will be missing her yet again this year.

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post some old and very HAPPY moments from the last Christmas season Jenna had with us! She was happy and full of hope and love and these pictures are amazing at capturing the love between Jenna and her kids! I also love the ones with Dawn in them!

Every Holiday is sad but Christmas is especially sad for me. I used to love going on line with Jenna hunting for idea's for the kids. I miss her excitement and love of the season!

Miss you Jenna!

2008-12-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

Christmas

2008-12-02T08:11:00.001-08:00

A very old video of Jake!

2008-12-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

http://picasaweb.google.com/jurgensfamilyphotos/DancinJake#

2008-11-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about Jenna a lot lately as time goes on. It is always so wonderful to see the kids and their big eyes that reflect Jenna in them. I can see different bits of her in each child and it makes me feel warm and smile............. I chatted with all 3 kids the other night. Jake cracked me up. He got on the phone and said "Hi TAMRA" clear as day. He was jibber jabbering on and on. Such a big boy now! Ashlee told me she loves to draw with markers.......I remember her loving to draw and she drew me a nice picture when I visited her after Jenna had passed away............ I don't even remember when I was down there but I know I flew alone with Addison...........and I remember Ash had a rough day and I went up to her bedroom and rubbed her back and we had a heart to heart............ and tears slipped down her little cheeks............and she told me she likes to draw as a way to get her feelings out! I"ll never forget that day. That same weekend she snuck downstairs after everyone was in bed and we watched Legally Blonde together............ I'm not sure how much of it she got but I think she liked being snuggled up with Aunt Tamra and being up late. It is a special memory for me! When I spoke to Kaity the other night she was full of excitement getting ready to go watch the Amazing Race as a family. She is such a sweet heart............ she asked me if Tyler is 1 year old. :) Not yet sweetheart but by next summer he will be. It seems our babies grow up so fast. I hope we can make a trip down south again well before then. Addison would have so much fun with her cousins. She really remembers people now!

Kara's Blog

2008-11-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

http://karabrookeshackleford.blogspot.com/

Kara started a blog!! Yaaay. There are some pictures of their home and the kiddo's!

ENJOY!

Thank you Kara.

SO CUTE

2008-11-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

Meredith- I got the shirt and I LOVE IT. I am wearing it right now.

Tonight Addison points to my shirt and says "That's Aunt Jenna?" and I said "Yes" and she goes.....

"I love her".

My heart melted.

Song of hope

2008-11-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

I found this song to be very fitting of where I am in terms of Jenna's passing these days.

Ashlee, Kait and Jake's cousins!

2008-11-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

Jenna's friend Theresa

2008-11-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

Pretty much everyone who knew Jenna knows about her friend Theresa who Jenna has been very good friends with since childhood. Theresa was one of the friends there for Jenna when she had cancer as a child!

Well Theresa has some shocking news- she is pregnant and expecting a little baby April 30th! She is actually going to be a SINGLE MOM raising this child on her own and I am hoping to pull together some support for her in any way that we can.

Theresa has created a registry at Babies R' Us and many of us are going to help support her in the way of clothing/blankets and DIAPERS!!!!!!

If you are interested in helping out let me know!

Dream I can't Shake & Need to Make Sense Of!!!

2008-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream of Jenna, it was a dream that just didn't end. I woke up around 4:00am and went in the kitchen and had a drink thinking about the message she was sending to me. When falling back asleep the dream continued.  I have only had two dreams of her since she died. At times I have asked her to come to me wanting to see her once again, talk with her, but it's has never happened.

I was in Tennessee for some reason and I had this strong feeling I had to see Mark and the girls. I had no idea where they lived and was searching for them.    I had to find them right away I only had one day left until I headed back home. Bubba and the kids were with me I think we were on some kind of vacation, but this part is not very clear. I was driving the car I had when Mark and Jenna took me to the airport in MA to pick Bubba up at the airport on his arrival home from Korea.  (Our first car a turquios blue Chevy Cavallier).

It was like Jenna wanted me to visit them especially Mark and give them a message. I searched for hours trying to find out how to get to Hendersonville. I tried calling the old phone number, but of course it had changed. When I finally found Mark , but it was late and the kids were already in bed. Mark insisted we stay there and had gone in the girls room to bring them into another room so Bubba and I could have their room.
After Mark and I were alone in the livingroom I told him I had to speak with him. Jenna wanted me to let him know she was proud of the way he was taking care of the kids and was so glad they were all so happy now. She wanted him to know she was fine and in a great place, and was watching over them. She wanted me to let Mark know of our last conversation the night before she died.  She needed him to understand how very much she loved him and always would. That he was the center of her world and so proud of thier marriage, the kids, the life they had made. Jenna needed him to know she was at peace with the new love he had found. She approved of Kara and was so happy that they girls and Jake had someone to love them and be there for them. She needed Mark to be at peace with all his decisions he had made since her passing.

Dawn brought me to Jenna's grave site. Except Jenna's grave site looked so different then the one I have seen pictures of. She was in a building, creepy building I must add.(maybe it's the fact I had this dream of her on Halloween night). The building had many doors and was dark and cold. It was like a maze not knowing what door she was really behind. When we finally arrived I could hear many voices talking, but none of them were Jenna.

I never was given the oppurtunity to have closure with Jenna's death. Living in Vermont I was not able to be there for her furneral. I was running a daycare and had just taken time off to visit Jenna two month earlier. I just didn't have the money to attend. I have regreted this ever since. Something inside me wants to go and see her grave site. Talk with her again, be with her, close to her. Hug the kids, hug Mark. Let them know that not a day has gone by that they are not in my thoughts. I really want to get to Tennessee, but so much has changed.  I think a visit might make him feel werid. I know I would always be welcomed at Dawn's, but so much time has passed the girls and Jake may not remember me.

I have been trying to make sense of this dream all day. It was so realistic that when waking up I found myself crying. I even woke Bubba up trying to get some comfort. I needed him to hold me. I wanted the dream to go away. I wanted it to end. Even today I can't get the images out of my head. I think Jenna is trying to let me know she wants me to be at peace with everything. Let go of any anger and hard feeling I've been holding on too.

I need to get something clear. I'm happy for Mark and the kids. I'm glad they have found someone to love them and take care of them. I know it must be so hard for Mark to have lost Jenna and be left with three small children. Jenna took care of everything while Mark worked to support the family. He wanted Jenna to be a stay at home mom, for the children to have her all the time. Then without any warning the one person who kept everything in order was gone. He was left to deal with his greif and mourning, and three small children who were missing thier mom and had no idea what was happening.

Mark had to burry his mourning at times and tend to the children making sure they received the help they needed to move on. He is an amazing father and I need him to know this.

Being one of Jenna's bestfriends my loyalty to her has clouded some of my thoughts and feelings at times.  I wanted to make sure her memory stayed alive and she was never forgotten, never replaced. I was hurting when I heard Mark had found someone else to love. I think seeing the picture of them posted over halloween was very hard for me to see. My memories have Jenna with & her family and Mark. To see Mark and the kids with someone else just hurt and seemed wrong to me.

This dream was Jenna's way of helping me let go, move on and be okay with this. I guess I have thought if I found a way to be okay with this change it would mean I too have let Jenna's memory slip away. That I would be allowing her to be replaced.

It will take some time to imagine Mark with anyone, but Jenna. From the first time I meet Jenna in a college class it was Mark she was GOO GOO for. I can still see the picture in my head. Jenna whispering to me look there he is. I think he is so cute. I want to meet him. From that day on it has been Jenna and Mark..............

Kara I hope this post doesn't offend you, I have heard such great things about you. How much like Jenna you are in many aspects. I'm happy the girls will have someone to come too with all the "girl stuff" that will come up for them. I wish you and Mark much all the best. I really need you to know this.
Mark I need you to know how much I still think of you and how much I care for you and the kids I loved Jenna very much and it's hard at times to imagine life moving on without her. I really am sorry and want to stay in touch, to be part of the kids lives.

2008-10-29T13:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you Meredith for inviting me to walk with Jenna's Friends in the 'Light the Night' fund raiser. To be totally honest with everyone I didn't do the walk I just went turned in the money I had collected, picked up my t-shirt and partied with them until the walk started. Then because it was drizzling I wisely chose to go home, I didn't want to get sick before my trip to meet my new granddaughter. I did have a very nice time and I look forward to doing it again next year so Meredith please keep me on your list.

As you can see from the pictures Mark and the kids and Kara carved pumpkins. It was a really nice afternoon so we were able to keep the mess outside. The picture of Jake with his grandpa was taken after Jake found out he had to put his hands inside the pumpkin and take out all that mess. He decided that was not for him so he started to pull his sleeves down. Kait looks sad in the picture of all of them sitting behind the pumpkins that they carved because she was told she couldn't ride her bike until after dinner.

I spent last week at Mel and Jim's house meeting my new granddaughter. She is beautiful!!! It was so nice to hold a little one again. I didn't want to come home. While I was gone Mark took Kait and Jake to the dentist. Kait had 3 cavities, she had them filled yesterday. Jake didn't have any cavities but he was showing signs of his pacifier use. The dentist told Mark Jake should be weaned from using it (Jake was only using it at nap time and bed time). So when they got home Mark and Jake put all the pacifiers in a ziplock bag and Jake said goodbye to them and put them in the garbage. That was one week ago and he has only asked for it once since then. So hooray to Jake.

I will be seeing the kids on Halloween so I'll post more pictures then.

2008-10-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

Suzie how beautiful. This song says so much. When reading the words I could picture Jenna in her younger days giving you a run for your money. I can see her agruing with you. Pushing the limits to see just how far she could go. Testing, pranking, pushing her siblings until they are pulling their hair out, then laughing that laugh and saying "GOT YA".

I know I'm a better person for having known Jenna. She has taught us all so much over the last few years. At times it seems like a dream, I can't beleive she is gone. Taken from us at such an early age. Other times I'm so sad and miss her something awful. My heart aches, I feel so empty at times I just can't explain it.

I think God has left us all wondering why? I know until the day I see her again this question will linger on. I know there always is a reason, but it just seems so unfair. Jenna was the missing link for many. She brought many of us together and she would be so touched we have all stayed together in memory of her.

I find myself searching for songs to remind me of her. Of a time when we were happy. When times were simple, a time when we had no worries, no fears, no heart ache. I find myself thinking of her each day and praying for just one more day with her. What would I say, how would we spend this time together, what would we talk about, where would this place be? Could she answer the questions we all want so badly to know? Could we handle the answer to those questions? Would we all rest easier knowing the answers or would the answers haunt us? If she was still here would she be suffering? Would she be cured? What would William look like? Maybe God came to get her and William becuase he knew Jenna could not have lived with the thought of loosing a child?

I think I will always search for reminders of Jenna because remembering her makes me happy, and is very comforting. She is my angel as I'm sure many of you feel the same. Today I can't look up in the sky , see a star, rainbow, moon, feel the nice warm breeze of summer, the smell of spring, the chill of fall without the peace of knowing Jenna is up there watching us all. I can't help, but talk to the sky and at times I'm sure who ever driving by thinks I'm insane. Jenna would have a field day with this. Can you hear that snorting laugh? Her sassy comments? Can you see her devilish smile? If you can hang on to that feeling, the smile, the sound and carry it with you always. This will help easy the pain, bring you joy in the hard times, and so much comfort when your are sad.